Went to my usual toliet visiting. I am so scare when I see pool of blood on the toliet paper... usually just stain.. but this round its so much of it..
At a moment.. I thg was my menses... but it was not.. I know I need to see a doctor. But.. but...
Monday, 29 July 2013
Tuesday, 23 July 2013
已经不能挽回了吗？
一段冷漠的爱情从我开始希望，开始期望到开始要求开始. 对于他，是我今生遇到最奇妙的事。
开始认识对方的时候，我不知道他已什么样的心态去了解我，但对我而言，他和其他的男人不一样.也许是因为我们刚交往吧. 每一个结了婚的人都对我说，尽量享受拍脱的时光，结了婚后都会变得不一样, 我起初不相信，因为我深信我要嫁的男人不一样。他也很有自信的说，他会比緍前更爱我.
我错了吗？
在筹备婚礼中，他变得里说当然，什么都以＇随便' 来敷衍我，却又另一方面的很热心的要参与. 每一次我有新想法想和他分享 到后来都会换来"需要吗？""不用吧" "不要麻烦" 的回答. 好辛酸!
这次虽然我说"不需要" 但心里却期盼他的参于，但他却没出现．不闻不问。有时候真的很佩服他，可以置身是外．
留了两天的眼泪，心也累了，泪也干了．对于他．我想他也累了 ．
其实，我们两都累了，再走下去真的很没意思．花了那么多的钱，也许我们应该继续演下去．最起码婚也结了，不会再被外说嫁不出或娶不到了．
我想他已经没有以往那么爱我了． 现在的一切都已变成理所当然．
没想到，才刚开始，马上就要结束了．
这就是他要的。
Sunday, 21 July 2013
It happen again
Its like a hobby, every month , we definately had some disagreement that ruin our day and life.
For me, its simple.. When I said its not necessary. why cant he show concern and just help out?
I would have forgive him, kiss and makeup. If he just insist on helping, I would have been very touch by him. And I would have believe that, I am important to him. And everything he said about loves me is true.
Everytime when I want to discuss a wedding planning. All he can produce is " just simple will do" " just this, just that.... " everyone was telling me.. this is how man plan thing. This is how a man react to his wedding. But I always believe my man is different. He is unlike other man. He is special to me. He is so much better than the other. I always believe that.... For his change has proven. But I was wrong.
When I was sick, he "force" me to go for the dinner with his family. And the place is at Katong.which is super far from my place. Well.. to them, its near their place, its a family gathering to them. of cos, they have to find a place that is convenience to them. I am not their family, its ok isnt it? And when I dont want to trouble his father to send me back. I didnt want him to travel from East to West and back to East.. I told him, its ok, I can go home on my own... And what have he done? He left me, carrying the heavy things and I am sick to go home on my own. He didnt even worried about me...
When I insist on carrying those 300pcs of lollipop on my own home, He offer help, but I say no need... and yet again.. He leave me to carry those heavy 3 bags of lollipops home on my own, He knows how heavy it is.. and he knows my limitation.. Yet... he didnt insist.
And when I said I will do the modify my own. he offer help. yet again, I said not necessary... And what he did again? He let me be. enjoy his life on his own... hving me deal with those 300 responsibility on my own. I was expecting him to appear at my door... insist to help. U know. I will be very touch. But he didnt.
All his love, his adore, his promises... its a piles of shit. Nothing he said is true. The only thing I regret is agree to marry him. I should have postponed the proposal and continue in the courtship. Guess, we both realise we are not young anymore, and we didnt want to waste more time doing those "unnecessary" things.
And it is those "unnecessary" things he think of, therefore, everything seem not necessary.
My life was not wonderful since young. My mum adore my bro more than me. My relatives behave the same. When I was a kid. Girls is unless, my grandpa treat me hoplessly. I always feel extra anywhere. I always feel extra in the family. I always tell myself. I want to have a family of my own, whereby people will treasure me. where the one who loves me will adore me till eveything. Even thg I am on my own. I live a life I want to be.
Than here come the house issue. I cant have a home on my own. Its the most simple thing, yet, nothing can be done. just a small wish. And I want to spend more quality time is also impossible becos of his work. Which at the 1st plc, I was reluctant to accept him, but he said, things and time can be arrange, so this is not an issue. But what happen?
Every night, everyday, I have been crying for this kind of heartbreak. I wanted to let it all out, I want to let the pain torture me till I am numb, I want to cry till I have no more tears, I want to break all my hopes till I have no more hope. I want to kill my heart till I feel nothing.
2days ago, if not becos of Ban Heng call, he wouldnt even msg me. after I rejected his help with those heavy bags, instead of saying "let me help u, I dont bear seeing u carrying heavy things" he said " U will die if I carry izzit?" hahaha... how wonderful attitude towards a love one.
Guess both of us is equally tired. He is tired of being a good husband. I am tired of being a good wife. 2 incompatible person trying so hard to stay together. I have been thinking so much lately, all negative thgs, I dont know why. I cannot even picture a good wedding. a good life and a good future. But I make this decision, so I have to accept the consequences. If it happen again where he said we shd break up. I think I have to agree on it. rather than trying to hard to get together. I cannot forget that day. I have try so hard to make us work, But he want to break up for 3x. But I insist to try again. If only I dont insist. We wouldnt have to suffer all this. Yet again... For all the complaints and wanting to.. I always believe we shouldnt just give up, but for him, its so easy... Just escape from everything and pretend nothing ever happen.
I am not a good girlfriend, not a good wife. not a good daughter, not a good friends, neither am I a good colleagues. I am good for nothing in this life. Hopfully I can be better next. I always try my very bit to be nice, I have never just get angry out of nothing, but its always a cause behind it. If u think it thru.... it is that way... If u dun understand why, isnt ur duty to ask? rather than assume.?
For me, its simple.. When I said its not necessary. why cant he show concern and just help out?
I would have forgive him, kiss and makeup. If he just insist on helping, I would have been very touch by him. And I would have believe that, I am important to him. And everything he said about loves me is true.
Everytime when I want to discuss a wedding planning. All he can produce is " just simple will do" " just this, just that.... " everyone was telling me.. this is how man plan thing. This is how a man react to his wedding. But I always believe my man is different. He is unlike other man. He is special to me. He is so much better than the other. I always believe that.... For his change has proven. But I was wrong.
When I was sick, he "force" me to go for the dinner with his family. And the place is at Katong.which is super far from my place. Well.. to them, its near their place, its a family gathering to them. of cos, they have to find a place that is convenience to them. I am not their family, its ok isnt it? And when I dont want to trouble his father to send me back. I didnt want him to travel from East to West and back to East.. I told him, its ok, I can go home on my own... And what have he done? He left me, carrying the heavy things and I am sick to go home on my own. He didnt even worried about me...
When I insist on carrying those 300pcs of lollipop on my own home, He offer help, but I say no need... and yet again.. He leave me to carry those heavy 3 bags of lollipops home on my own, He knows how heavy it is.. and he knows my limitation.. Yet... he didnt insist.
And when I said I will do the modify my own. he offer help. yet again, I said not necessary... And what he did again? He let me be. enjoy his life on his own... hving me deal with those 300 responsibility on my own. I was expecting him to appear at my door... insist to help. U know. I will be very touch. But he didnt.
All his love, his adore, his promises... its a piles of shit. Nothing he said is true. The only thing I regret is agree to marry him. I should have postponed the proposal and continue in the courtship. Guess, we both realise we are not young anymore, and we didnt want to waste more time doing those "unnecessary" things.
And it is those "unnecessary" things he think of, therefore, everything seem not necessary.
My life was not wonderful since young. My mum adore my bro more than me. My relatives behave the same. When I was a kid. Girls is unless, my grandpa treat me hoplessly. I always feel extra anywhere. I always feel extra in the family. I always tell myself. I want to have a family of my own, whereby people will treasure me. where the one who loves me will adore me till eveything. Even thg I am on my own. I live a life I want to be.
Than here come the house issue. I cant have a home on my own. Its the most simple thing, yet, nothing can be done. just a small wish. And I want to spend more quality time is also impossible becos of his work. Which at the 1st plc, I was reluctant to accept him, but he said, things and time can be arrange, so this is not an issue. But what happen?
Every night, everyday, I have been crying for this kind of heartbreak. I wanted to let it all out, I want to let the pain torture me till I am numb, I want to cry till I have no more tears, I want to break all my hopes till I have no more hope. I want to kill my heart till I feel nothing.
2days ago, if not becos of Ban Heng call, he wouldnt even msg me. after I rejected his help with those heavy bags, instead of saying "let me help u, I dont bear seeing u carrying heavy things" he said " U will die if I carry izzit?" hahaha... how wonderful attitude towards a love one.
Guess both of us is equally tired. He is tired of being a good husband. I am tired of being a good wife. 2 incompatible person trying so hard to stay together. I have been thinking so much lately, all negative thgs, I dont know why. I cannot even picture a good wedding. a good life and a good future. But I make this decision, so I have to accept the consequences. If it happen again where he said we shd break up. I think I have to agree on it. rather than trying to hard to get together. I cannot forget that day. I have try so hard to make us work, But he want to break up for 3x. But I insist to try again. If only I dont insist. We wouldnt have to suffer all this. Yet again... For all the complaints and wanting to.. I always believe we shouldnt just give up, but for him, its so easy... Just escape from everything and pretend nothing ever happen.
I am not a good girlfriend, not a good wife. not a good daughter, not a good friends, neither am I a good colleagues. I am good for nothing in this life. Hopfully I can be better next. I always try my very bit to be nice, I have never just get angry out of nothing, but its always a cause behind it. If u think it thru.... it is that way... If u dun understand why, isnt ur duty to ask? rather than assume.?
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