Passing the day

Finally, I have pass 19 Oct, the day which suppose to be a wonderful day of my life. Yet, for some childish behaviour, someone just ruin it.

It has been just 2 months plus, and definitely not a easy time for me. I know its easy for him to just forget it and pretend nothing ever happen. Because, its the easier and faster way to make his life back to how he used to be. 

Till than, I still couldnt dry my tears and fix my heart. Just becos I am serious about the relationship I had. Everytime, I will ask myself, have I not done enough? Have I did wrong? Have been doing too much? But every single things I did wrong was lead by someway and someone. Why can I be so hurt and sad and on the other hand he can be so happy and relax after hurting someone so much? 

Why can someone just forget about a relationship that deep so easily? 

Well... U know.. its either U never love before or u have. Becos there is no way u can just fall in love and say dont love anymore... If he can be forgotten so easily.. that mean, he had not been in love before. All those he said was never true... Its all acting and I am just playing along. 

Memory is a very scary thing. It brings u happiness and it bring u all the sadness... I really really wish that I could wake up one day and forgotten what have ever happen 1 yr ago. But my prayer was never heard. And so I was living in misery every now and than. Still crying in pain and thinking... 

I dont believe in Karma, becos it never happen. I wish there is... and he can understand the pain People said Karma happen on another way. It will be something and someone around him... and something he treasure the most. I really hope to see that Karma happen. To let him understand that, to hurt a person is wrong. To play with feeling is wrong, To treat marriage lightly is wrong, To never keep his vows is wrong, To break his promise is wrong. 

I am not a angel of good girlfriend or wife. But the most thing I can give is my heart, myself, my whole and being totally faithful. If this is not enough to be the person he need, than he should not deserve someone who can give him all these. Does he need a wife who is not faithful, not given him her whole, and not her whole heart? If so, than the girl is not me.

It was only than, I lost everything... and I lost my most precious thing in life. I dont know the reason to live, I found no reason too. If I have a choice, I never choose to live a life as human... I hope I can go with him/her... to whereever it can be.

Lost it

The lost I will never forget... it was only 9wk with me... and I thg something was not right as my menses come in a very wrong way... but the pain was the same as I had before and nothing seem different, till I was told the possibility, I cannot imagine that, I can only cry... I feel weak.. I feel sad.... I feel empty.... I feel hopless...

I cannot take it.

I cannot accept it...

I lost a husband... and now this... why?

Is this fair to me? what have I done? This is all his fault...!!! I wont forgive him... If he had not done this to me... If I have not been so devastated. All this will never happen. He deserved to be punish... I want him to regret this for the rest of his life...

I didnt dare think... I didnt want to, No one can understand the pain i have been going thru... and still accepting the fact that the one I loved was so cruel to have just treat everything as normal. I know its wrong to just let time pass by and heal the pain. But what else can I do when I have no one to turn to? If only he given us a second chance, U will have ur chance to grow... U will be someone else.. U will be able to see the world, U will be able to know how cruel life is.

Trust me.. I tried, I have try talking. I have tried reasoning. But he said.. he has no more feelings and didnt want to put in effort to walk on. He said "happy married, not happy divorce" He pushed me away when I hold him.. U feel that already didnt u? I think U chose to live somewhere else and didnt want to burden me becos U know it wont work, thats why U left right?

I really tried... I really do...

The Paradox of our time

Take a few mins and read this...And u realise we are all living in a paradox of our time

The paradox of out time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgement; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've split the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less.

We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information to produce copies than ever, but have less communication.

These are times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, and short character; steep profits, and hollow relationships, These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are the days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose to either share this insight, or to just hit delete.

George Carlin.

Wondering and ponding

Its not long ago before my life change yet again. There is left with only hate and sadness.

The disappointment was great that create the hate within. Wondering why must a person so such a thing to hurt another? For his own happiness and relief?

To some extend. I must admit. We always have disagreement once a mth. However, those disagreement happen when he just failed to handle the issue. Whatever he said, done or do was all wrong. And I being a very sensitive person. I get hurt easily. He feel that he shouldnt be doing so much to make a relationship work. Becos to him. It shouldn't be this hard. But how can one take for granted?  To maintain a relationship require alot of hard work. While I was training him and myself to make it work. He gave up. What an coward asshole .

He dont deserve to be love by anyone if he doesnt learn to love anyone. Yes.. putting blame on someone is always easier. . But for me. I always put all the blame on myself and see whether or not am I wrong?

Thinking it now... tell me something that I did wrong and throw temper without a reason.  Tell me... other than his father issue which I have already admit I shouldnt have disrespect him for his wrong doing.