I’m a ridiculous,
emotional, over-sentimental sap.
Our dating period lasted a very short
time. After five months of dating, we were engaged. Eight months
after that, we were married. And that whole time I was swooning.
This fire was burning in
me, a fire that burned just like that second date: I was in love.
But then we got married,
and everything changed.
Marriage, quicker than I
was ready for, did this thing: it started sucking away that emotion. I tried so
hard to keep that fire going, to keep that emotion alight, but it got harder
and harder. I mean, how you can feel that burning love when you’re sitting at
the table discussing wedding preparation while he can only tell u things about
his work, his stall? How can you feel it when you get into an disagreement? How
can you feel it when you think it makes perfect sense to put your most effort
into doing things, and he has this crazy idea that it need not be so complicated
as to think, plan and what if?
There was no way I could
keep that dating fire burning as practicality invaded our lives. And at first,
it drove me nuts. That emotion meant love! That excitement was how
I knew I cared for him! But suddenly, life was this grind. Even when
I was with him. Especially when I was with him. And even worse, it
seemed that the harder I tried to be sentimental and lovey-dovey, the less it
was reciprocated.
But it wasn’t that he
wasn’t giving me love, it just seemed to come at different times. Like, when I
offered bring dinner to him. Or make give him a massage after he had a
hard day. Or, our hard work on painting the room, when I shared the
responsibility of doing the painting. I don’t think I noticed this consciously
for a while. It just kept happening.
But I think it had an
effect on me. Because as our marriage progressed, I found myself offering
to help out around the house more and more. And after each time, there would be
this look he would give me. This look of absolute love. One that was
soft and so beautiful. It took me longer than I care to admit to understand
what was happening. But eventually it became clear. Through giving, through
doing things for myhusband, the emotion that I had been so desperately seeking
naturally came about.
It wasn’t something I
could force, just something that would come about as a result of my giving. In
other words, it was in the practicality that I found the love I was looking
for. And what was even more interesting was that once I realized this on a
conscious level, and started trying to find more opportunities to give, the
more we both, almost intuitively, became lovey-dovey.
And now, I’ve finally come
to realize something. Something I haven’t wanted to admit for a long time, but
is undeniable. I didn't love my man on that second date. I didn’t love him when
we got engaged. But I do love him when we got married. Because love isn’t an
emotion. That fire I felt, it was emotional fire. From the excitement of
dating a man I felt like I could marry.
Love isn’t an emotion or
even a noun. It’s a verb. The Hebrew word for love means “giving.”
As putting someone else’s needsabove your own. Why wasn’t I getting
reciprocal lovey-doveyness when we were married? Because it wasn’t for him.
It was for me. An emotion I had in my chest.
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