Apologies for not knowing

During school day, I began to know that my life is so much different from my classmate. Every single cents I used seem to be so stressful to my parents. My family is not that poor till we don't have pocket money for food. But it's also not that wealthy until the extent that I can spur on what I think it's necessary. 

Whenever my school had any activities and training that require money. I will not get myself to be involve in any. I always wanted to be in the NPCC but i didnt participate in it, because I cant afford to buy the beautiful uniform. I don't feel good asking more money from my parents for something like this. or just a trip which all my classmate and school mate is going for oversea exchange program. Therefore, I didn't have the luxury like what my other classmate/schoolmate have.  

This is the burden I have since the day I began to have this mindset. I believe for my parents to give me the pocket money, transport, school fee etc is already so much that I didn't want to ask for more. Because we are young, so there is always a time whereby we will buy things we like or eat those fast food we longing for. But every penny I spend is the saving I kept for my own pocket money for food during recess time. 

As I grow older. I began to realize that my responsibility is increasing, I have to pay for all the bills in the household. And be able to support my parents financially when they need it. When my name was included in the current flat we are staying. I will have all the burden of responsibility that maybe a newly wed couple is just facing. 

I don't have a broad shoulder. But I have to carry it. It's heavy for sure.. No doubt on that

Till one day when he open his arm and give me his hand saying " 让我帮你扛，我有能力，让我为你分担那重量＂. I was reluctant at first becos I know how hard it is to have all this. But my rejection become a mistrust to him.  I thg I finally found that someone to ease my burden and someone who is strong enough to carry it with me or for me. 

As I share the burden I began to get carried away. I loaded off too much. Without me noticing that he can't carry it anymore. He felt stress becos of the burden I loaded on him. He feel drained for the demand I wish he can carry.

I failed to realize that the burden was heavy for me. But yet I was carrying it for more than 10years. I have already get used to the weight. Never realize how carefree I can be loading on someone who is willing to help me share. Because of this. The promise of helping me sharing become "stress" become a burden and slowly he regret his Decision. And he chose to leave it and throw the weight back to me. 

If only he can let me know that the weight was too heavy. If only he can't tell me that he can only carry a decent burden. If only he have not try to pretend that he can, if only he forgo his ego and tell me. 

I should know this by now. Now every man can hold a weight that I was carrying. Why do I say this now? Because this is the reason why I react the way I am and the way he is. There might be excuses or reason behind it, but this will the truth.. The fact... The reason. 

I am sorry for sharing my burden on u by not realizing that u are drowning. You should be sorry for not saying anything. Showing the part whereby you are not strong enough doesn't mean u are weak. Because everyone has its own limit on things. But you never know that we are capable to handle any stress, any pain and any burden. Our limit is limitless, it's just voice down to whether or not are u willing to.